A wish list of things for Millennials to kill next

An open letter addressed to the Officially Official Council of Facebook Official Millennials

Dear friends,

Thank you for your generous contributions on the front lines. Slay, bitch!

As you know, we are directly responsible for killing each of the following, according to these non-fake news fake news accounts.

  • The beer industry
  • Napkins
  • Golf
  • Cars
  • Home ownership
  • Chain restaurants such as Applebee’s and Buffalo Wild Wings
  • Motorcycles
  • Lunch (Our preference for healthy snacks instead of overpriced salads could undoubtedly improve our bottom line at the annual OOCFOM trophy ceremony, but the money saved has been spent on extra avocados. It’s a wash.)
  • Dinner dates
  • Diamonds
  • Credit and the credit card industry
  • Class

Excellent work. Remember our purpose, as fairly and democratically voted on during our first convention: We only kill things that deserve to die anyway. They’ll thank us soon enough.

As we strategize for the next quarter’s purge, please consider the following. I am available to present a cumbersome, confusing deck of these items with point and counterpoint information in an unnecessary 2-hour long meeting. Please refer to bullet number two and you’ll understand why I sent this via Facebook message instead.

I knew you’d check this before email, too. But I’m happy to provide other accommodations if desired.

  • Puppy mills
  • The 80-hour work week
  • Thanksgiving
  • Timeshares
  • Formal dining rooms
  • McMansions
  • Coal mining
  • Gender reveal parties (I know we started this one, but let’s fess up to our mistake and then also kill it… the parties and gender. Not the babies. Unless that’s what the woman chooses no later than six weeks into her pregnancy. You get me, right? Of course you do. We’re all the same.)
  • Armoires or at least the cunty way people who have them pronounce it
  • Separating loads of laundry by color (I’m certain the right research could prove we’ve already hung this one out to die……………)
  • Shoddy, cheap blenders that only work for, like, four veggie power shake smoothies and then have super dull blades even though you take them to Don at the farmer’s market every Saturday to get sharpened
  • The term Millennials

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours in society’s misguided notions of generational homogeny and homos in general,

Jackie Mantey


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