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Our cheap wedding RSVPs keep making my day

We didn’t want to spend much on wedding invitations. In fact, Justin preferred we do it all online.

But considering that this is only happening to us once (ringed-fingers crossed) and my sister is a professional graphic designer willing to create an invite and custom envelope free of charge, I couldn’t not have this physical representation of our nuptials.

Nuptials. See also:

  • Wedding
  • Big Day
  • Ceremony
  • Marriage
  • Union
  • Matrimonial Event

I’ve been writing for a regional wedding magazine since I was 22 (and 100% percent certain I would never get married. Typical.).

That’s 9 years of finding synonyms for wedding words I write over and over again and covering trends in the wedding biz, which is as monstrous in scope as Bride of Frankenstein’s hair.

Key takeaways imparted on me through this work include:

  • Some venues will nickel and dime the ever living frosting out of you. Ask about eve-ry-thang. Do they charge for the linens? What about cutting and serving the cake — is there an extra charge for that? Do you have to pay for the bartender’s services in addition to the alcohol? I sounded like a jaded divorcee on her third marriage asking all of this and more of my venue’s director, but now I know there will be no surprises on the final bill.
  • It’s always worth hiring a professional. For any of it. Except maybe making the centerpieces. Those you can recruit siblings, cousins and mothers for.
  • Make it your own. The best weddings and the happiest couples I’ve interviewed did what they wanted for their <insert above word of your choosing here>. Etiquette, tradition and standards be damned — or rigorously applied, if that’s what you’re into.

As I’ve pointed out before, I have a thing for snail mail. Though, who doesn’t? Unless it’s a bill, getting letters and postcards in the mail is as Santa Claus as an adult is going to get.

A box of postcards had been gathering dust in my myriad apartments’ closets since about 2012. I bought them from Anthropologie for a fluffy feature magazine article about cool things made out of books or inspired by books.

Flowers crafted from torn out pages, their words never to be read in order again. Sturdy jacket spines transformed into a hipster-approved mobile. Postcards of Penguin’s most colorful hits.

I remember getting reader hate mail for this magazine piece. Never underestimate the fury of a bored, lonely, passionate reader.

How dare books be seen as any kind of art beyond that of writing? What a crime to desiccate these tomes or admire them for their design purposes. I and people like me were to be the downfall of this great country!

But hey it was mail. Santa giveth.

I don’t know why I never threw the box of cards out after the photo shoot. A guess: I had bought them with my own starter journalist salary ( = not much) and couldn’t bear to throw away something that felt so expensive to me at the time ($40 could have bought a lot of toilet paper and Lean Cuisines).

So there they sat. And there they moved. And moved. And moved again. Until I tucked them into our latest place, deep in a desk cabinet, all set to wait out another year in the dark corners of the envelope drawer. Stories buried. Pandora’s box on PTO.

It’s not like I didn’t try to use them before this. But whenever I’d effort to make a selection, I’d be overcome by their beauty and selfishly wish to keep them to myself. Or I’d fear their hidden messages could accidentally offend.

Because, in typical Millennial milieu, I don’t know much about what these postcards actually represent, what the books were about — I just loved their jacket covers, the colors and the style, and what they could mean symbolically. I love books, after all. Just not these ones. Most of them remained a mystery to me.

I feared sending a grandparent, for example, a postcard with a seemingly innocuous book title and pretty cover print only to find it’s about repopulating Mars and all the wooing, weird and wetness that would entail. A book that perhaps caused a scandal in their day! Too big a risk.

But as we planned our wedding invitations to one of our three events (ugh I know… we’re those people… ceremony in Chicago, two parties in our Ohio hometowns), the box of Penguin postcards nagged the back of my brain.

How fun would those be as RSVPs? (Also, how deliciously free.) A “love story” theme for our Marion reception? Sure, they didn’t match the beautiful invitations my sister made, but what have I learned? Do what you want. It’s your wedding after all.

I knew I risked someone reading too much into a title. I was selective.

Some postcard titles that didn’t make the wedding RSVP cut:

  • The Horizontal Man
  • The Lost Girl
  • Dreadful Summit
  • Middlesex (awkward)
  • Flying Dutchman (sounded like a slang sex position… also awkward)
  • Vile Bodies
  • Man Trap (ha!)
  • Warfare by Words
  • The Case of the Half-Awakened Wife (I’m woke!)

As Justin compiled his reception’s Facebook invites, I formed a factory line for mine, thoughtfully choosing a postcard for each invitation and working my tongue dry with envelope sealing, like a kitten who got into the salt lick.

Keying and creaking open my rusty mailbox the past month has been a joy. Bronte and Austin and Fitzgerald await. Sixties style art reproductions stand at attention beside desperate credit card offers and Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

My reception guests respond exactly as I expect each of them to — some add stickers and drawings to the postcards, others just tell me their guest count and sign their name. Some get so excited they forget to sign it. Luckily I remember which postcard I picked for them and know who of my friends would forget to sign a postcard they sent. (To be fair, I would forget too. That’s probably why we’re friends.)

It felt good to get rid of the postcards, to use them in some productive way. But as a buddy pointed out: Technically, I didn’t get rid of them.

Like bookish boomerangs, back they come. To sit in my drawers for another six or seven years. But with my own story, my own favorite characters now imprinted on them.

Words on the Street: July 20, 2017

A CTA and a directive in one smart sentence. Napkins are so helpful.

That’s a new one to me. So says Oxford: “A red, plum-sized tropical fruit with soft spines and a slightly acidic taste. Early 18th century, from Malay ramutan, from rambut ‘hair,’ with allusion to the fruit’s spines.” Heh. Ram butt.

This image alludes to most of the writing I’ve been doing the past week. That of thank you notes. I like imagining what a “well-managed forest” looks like. The rabbits have daily staff meetings and the oaks delegate responsibilities fairly.

Mmm-hmm. Outside a vet’s office outside Chicago’s River North.

“Home is where you dive into a novel.” It’s also where you dream of being while waiting at this bus stop, trying to distract yourself with said novel.

“Made with water, barley and hops. Anything more would be like putting ketchup on a hot dog.” For those of you who don’t know, putting ketchup on a hot dog is a mortal sin to legit, born-and-raised Chicagoans. Definite regional copywriting win.

If “Ironic” was written now

Isn’t it ironic… you won’t watch a movie because it “takes too much time and feels like such an investment” but will instead binge five straight hours of a TV show.

Isn’t it ironic… your health insurance sends mail confirming your new address — to your old address.

Isn’t it ironic… the (white) guy on your Facebook feed angry that (black) musicians who sample music “are stealing” is also is an uncompromising fan of Elvis Presley.

Isn’t it ironic… the original definition of ironic is mostly obsolete and now subjective depending on whether or not you like Alanis Morissette. See also: colluding, meddling, presidential, Dave Coulier.

Isn’t it ironic… you’re in a dead zone and can’t live stream your wedding day.

Isn’t it ironic… you meet the man of your dreams. Then meet his three polyamorous girlfriends.

Isn’t it ironic… saying “take a seat” to someone who was probably definitely sitting down when typing their wry, reactive Facebook comment that set you off so completely.

Isn’t it ironic… Rainforest Café serves a lot of food that contributes to the destruction of rainforests.

Isn’t it ironic… you can’t do anything without hurting someone or something somewhere probably definitely.

Isn’t it ironic… ten thousand spoons when all you need is an Android-compatible charger.

Words on the Street: July 6, 2017

Same. Cleveland.

A bus stop in Cleveland’s Birdtown. Poetry and quotes about birds.

The Crowd Theater bathroom reminder. Chicago.

“Owner/Mule”. Barroco in Cleveland. A MUST.

“Full of Character[s]”. Advertisement for a suburb hanging in downtown Chicago. I get the community theater aspect but its promise of characters rang flat considering the man in the furry outfit across the street while I took this photo. You want characters, stay in the city.

Hole. Irving Park. FYI.

Yes, Virginia, there is an American Writers Museum

It’s in Chicago’s Loop with an entrance that’s hard to find on Google Maps. Instead, follow that old book scent. Or just look for this sign on Michigan Avenue.

After you finish gawking at the books on the ceiling, begin your life-affirming trip through the The American Writers Museum in a long hallway of the country’s great crits, conservationists, comedians, cooks and cultural contributors.

Along one side is a timeline of American history to put in context the row of authors below. Descriptions of their life and work explain how they shaped our country’s consciousness. Interactive displays include a touchscreen of literary academics talking about the recurring themes in American writing and, a favorite, a display of materials described in “Little House on the Prairie” (fox fur, calico, etc.) that you can touch.

The other side of the hallway offers boxes with names of some of the most influential writing in American history.

Flip the boxes around to smell Julia Child’s chocolate chip cookies, hear an “Oh! Susanna” refrain, listen to a presidential speech or find a new fact about one of your favorite writers.

Have Tupac stuck in your head the rest of the exhibit.

A Word Waterfall explores the range of American identity and injustice.

A special exhibit showcases Kerouac’s famous scroll that became “On the Road.”

Quotes remind you you’re not writing and maybe should when you get back home. But it’s cool you tried to be human for once.

Get inspired by the room of Chicago writers and literary heroes.

Find out what you have in common with famous writers. Here’s mine. Not listed: A constant insecure ache that our writing sucks and also addiction issues!

Discover your state’s most iconic writers on an interactive display (Lorraine Hansberry FTW).

Take home a bookmark with a shoutout to your state writer… or the one with the quote you like best.

Cry like the big baby you are in the kids’ book gallery and promise yourself to get a copy of “Where the Wild Things Are” for your home library.

Check out the gift store.

Plan a date to go back because you have so much left to read about!

Let’s break down why this card from my niece is probably the best thing ever

1. It came via snail mail, and if you know anything about how hearts alight in 2017, it’s by way of a snail delivering mail.

2. Its cover is an illustration of two cats on a motorcycle. If there’s anything better than a snail delivering mail, it’s a cat on a motorcycle.

3. This cat world is pretty developed and looks rad. These cats live full, restful lives. Snapping some pics for the scrap book.

Fishing. Because cats. Taking a leisurely ride on the bike you saved for working your cat office job. Living in the sunny foothills of somewhere spectacular, where you’re friends with a mouse.

He’s in your bike club and rides up front when you go out with your girl. He’s up for leader of the bike gang. World peace ensues. Lab meat feeds all. Except that cat fishing.

4. My niece has identified which cat we are on this bike. Of anthropomorphic cats, this is the coolest one of which I’ve been considered as a representation of. How much I wish my niece and nephew were here to go on a bike ride with me.

5. She’s totally the type of girl to have a cool earring and headband and ride on the back of a bike. That cat and her human equivalent probably have their own pink motorcycle somewhere — or will someday.

6. The note inside leads with the fact that she loves me. A scratch mark belies the learning curve of getting spacing right when hand writing. I love her too.

7. The followup leads with the fact that her dog says hi. I love her dog. I love that she knew I’d want to know about her dog. Dogs are harmonious here too.

8. A soft airbrushed version of the cats from the cover is on the inside of the card. Because you gotta see that illustration. In case you missed it on the cover. An airbrush border softens the look. This is a badass cat, but one that knows how to be gentle, knows how and when to send a greeting card.

9. Her hand-drawn heart illustration has a picture of my cat that has to live with my parents now because I have an unfortunately level-10-allergic boyfriend roommate. Allergies probably don’t happen in this cat world. And kitties and nieces are never separated from the cat mom/ aunt who loves them.

10. My sister wrote “(Dude)” above my niece’s spelling of my cat’s name (nee Little Dude). She knew I’d want to know who that happy cat was. I have no doubt she also spent an inordinate amount of time admiring the drawing and the little girl who made it.

11. The illustration, again featured on the back, just in case you missed it the two times before, has a name. “Touring Tabby.” Fucking beautiful. No barn can hold this cat back. It’s a life on the road for her. The world is her litter box.

12. The lengthy description of the artist. This is but one of his “Kool Kat” paintings.

13. Kool Kat.

14. Kool Kat paintings. We live in a world where such a series exists.

15. The artist is quoted here: “The world is a serious and stressful place to live. If my paintings bring a chuckle or a smile to the face of my viewer, then we are both all the better for it.”

16. But really. I’m better for it.

Watch FemComPod **live** in Chicago with Tom Simmons

The duo that brings you news and semi-uninformed views every Monday (A Feminist & A Comedian Walk Into A Bar Podcast) is hitting the stage from 6-8 p.m. Sunday, June 11. Come watch us yell at each other IRL!

Justin and I are joining our hilarious and talented friend Tom Simmons for his new weekly show, “Making Friends.”

We’ll talk about the power dynamics of couples and singles hanging out, news of the day, lady stuff and most definitely probably more. Even if you don’t like us, come for Tom. He’s written shows for Second City and has a weird, fascinating brain — the kind to treasure!

Here are the details via Facebook. See you soon.

 

Interview: Artist Michelle Maguire

Michelle, Aunt Doll and writer Aaron Beck.

Ever notice how the people who are the “characters” in your life (ie. “She’s a real character, that one!”) are considered so because they refuse to live in our reality?

I love those people, “characters” — when it’s genuine, it means they’re brave enough to construct their own world and define how they live in it.

Artist Michelle Maguire’s Great Aunt Doll is one of those people.

Aunt Doll has lived in Canton, Ohio, all 85 years of her life. She’s Italian American and easily unimpressed.

“She cusses, loves cured meats, knows more about the NFL than you do, plays strip mall slot machines with her vegetarian hairdresser of 42 years, isn’t trying to be funny but is, worships the sun from her concrete-slab patio, and frets about nothing except her beloved Italian bread packing on the pounds,” Michelle says. “Aunt Doll makes the most if it.”

And Michelle made the most of her relationship to this potato chip queen in Canton by making a limited-edition book that chronicles her time with Aunt Doll.

Titled “Salami Dreamin’”, it compiles lithography and silkscreen-printed images of Aunt Doll doing daily life things. Michelle’s application of color in these images is engrossing and almost crass, perfectly befitting a woman that makes “Fuck it” feel like a rallying call to arms to live life to the fullest — whatever that means to you. On the white backdrops, Aunt Doll’s life pops, just like her.

With each of Michelle’s carefully crafted images is a letter-press printed anecdote by writer Aaron Beck. It’s here we hear the sizzle of a tongue tested and triumphant in telling the truth.

For example, on a gorgeous day spent in the sun:

“I ain’t goin’ anywhere today, babe. The sun’s out and my ass is stayin’ right here. This is it.”

Humor aside, what strikes me about Michelle’s work is her eye for finding something most of us wouldn’t see in a moment (alas, like an artistic version of her beloved aunt). The scenes of “Salami Dreamin’” push through the brazen nature of the character and give hints of everyday human experience, even for our favorite “characters.” Doll’s snacking, reading the paper, or simply just hanging out.

In these moments both she and the artist watching her find peace in the simplicity of just living. There can be optimism and beauty in monotony… if you just shut the fuck up and let it happen.

You can check out more of Michelle’s work here. (Her most recent series “Wardrobe Snacks” with photographer Kelsey McClellan is totally binge-worthy.)

As for “Salami Dreamin’”, a copy of the book is now in the permanent collection of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago’s Joan Flasch Collection. It’s open to the public so you have no excuse not to go meet Aunt Doll.

“The gist of her story,” Michelle says: “Enjoy every chicken wing while you holler at the Cleveland Browns on your gigantic analog TV, because we aren’t here forever.”

 

Enjoy every chicken wing while you holler at the Cleveland Browns on your gigantic analog TV, because we aren’t here forever.

How did you make the actual physical book? Why put it together into a book?

For most of my adult life I’ve documented certain members of my family. Aunt Doll is one of Aaron’s and my all-time favorite people, so we hang out with her pretty much every chance we get, most typically in her Canton, Ohio home. For years I’d take still photos of her, much to her annoyance, while a tiny video camera rolled away in the background – both devices simultaneously capturing mundane and domestic goings-on, and creating an automatic transcript of her hilarious dialogue. I did this only to document and preserve her for myself; the idea to take all of the material and turn it into something came only after we realized how much I’d gathered. So I started to explore what it would mean to turn it into a book.

I’m a librarian in the Department of History of Art at The Ohio State University, so I’m lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful resources, including printmakers and bookbinders. I began asking friends and colleagues around campus who to talk to, and pretty soon had assembled a wonderful crew of people to help me bring the book to life. What that series of photos and video evolved into has been the most rewarding and challenging project I’ve ever taken on.

How long did Salami Dreamin’ take to make? Were there ever any moments where you felt discouraged or like it wasn’t worth it? If so, what caused those moments and how did you work through them?

Production took a team of 6 people (including myself) with full-time jobs a year and a half, from making mock-ups, to cutting down paper, to mixing inks, to printing, to building and sewing the book. Fifty-five times! It was an enormous undertaking. That’s major dedication by a bunch of skilled, talented, obstacle-tackling people who didn’t even know me prior to this book project. I am forever in their debt.

There were many moments where every one of us felt overwhelmed, like the times when a layer of a print would be a real bastard registration-wise, which was nerve-wracking and caused me to repeatedly question why I created artwork with zero wiggle room. Edition bookmaking is no small task. It definitely made me sweat but it always felt like it’d be worth it.

How did you collaborate with a writer/Aaron? Did the artwork come first or did you two work in tandem?

We were together the entire time the footage and images were being recorded, so it felt only natural to work as a team to tell her story. Collaborating with Aaron was great. I knew if he was going to be involved that it would be funny and thoughtful and full of wonderfully vivid descriptions, perfectly conveying the essence of Aunt Doll. He really nailed it.

Any advice for readers looking to self-publish or make a book? 

Go for it! And don’t be in a hurry.

What moves you to make art?

I feel my best and most alive when I’m making something. It’s how I respond to everything, it’s how I most naturally connect with people, and it always leads to new things.

My dad died unexpectedly almost 5 years ago, and since then that compulsion to create has become amplified. My dad was an autobody man. He spent 40 years smoothing, buffing, and painting banged-up cars. My drive and focus to work with my hands was passed down from him, we just have different applications. I love sharing that ability with him. He relished hearing about whatever I was working on, and I could hear his words of amazement throughout the entire book-making process.

It helped me move through grief.

What has been inspiring you lately?

We just took a trip to San Francisco and its coast to the north and south, so, rocks! Both in landscape and on architectural facades. The former are rugged and massive and make me feel tiny and insignificant; the latter make me feel like Fred Flintstone. I love both.

What are you working on now?

I just worked with a factory in North Carolina to create a batch of machine-woven Salami Dreamin’ beach towels! [Editor’s note: OMG they’re perfect. Order one here.]

Summer’s right around the corner.

How do you stay focused when you’re working on a project?

I listen to music, I stay well-fed. I also step away pretty often – to eat and run around the block and re-group. Forcing an idea or a task leads to nothing, so I take frequent breaks and change up my environment, in hopes of inviting other inspiration or a new strategy to seep in.

If you could invite three people to a dinner party, living or dead, who would they be?

Errol Morris

Mike Judge

Sade