Surely these aren’t fake Yeezys you ordered from China.
That kid is probably going to be an asshole someday.
J-walking is a crime that could only have been invented by a man with a monocle and a dead animal collection in his second greenhouse.
How did cake get here?
If this construction isn’t done by Tuesday, I’m going to start huffing whatever it is they’re spraying.
It’s really not that hard to remember what company you filed your taxes with last year, and every year before that, Mantey.
Chicago wind is more handsy than a vodka-drunk at 2 am.
Do I even have skin left on my face or tears in my ducts?
My scarf smells like my coffee breath. But I can’t take it off. This must be how the settlers felt.
Grocery shopping is redundant.
There’s no need to sell strawberries this time of year. Stop tearing me apart, Jewel.
Why is yogurt so expensive?
They better leave those god damn holiday lights up until sunset starts happening post-work hours. Otherwise, why am I even paying income taxes?
Income taxes.
The fakest thing about the news is thinking I will feel informed after watching it.
Has online status anxiety been added to the DSM yet?
I think pussy hats are ugly but I must tell no one.
